#AngstAU part 1 (contains sensitive materiel, /please/ be cautious)...

He wakes up...

Or maybe..., he feels conscious.
All around, there's white noise; a gentle buzz that's just present. It's not irritating or anything; it's.... just there.
He stirrs. There's a giddy feeling, which makes him let out a soft moan.
He opens his eyes, and sees blurry figures of blue, moving against a bright-lit background.
One of them is very nearby and soon, he feels a pressure on his torso, as hands push him back onto something soft...
He moans softly again and blinks, trying to focus. This time, he sees a woman, wearing blue. She's gently adjusting a pillow against his head...
She looked at him. In her brown eyes was a soft smile... it made him feel choked. But... he couldn't think why...
"He's awake", said the woman.
"We'll see now..", replied a second male voice, but it too, was very mild....
Next moment, he felt something being wrapped around his arm.
Then came a tightening sensation; his arm felt as if someone was squeezing it down. It got so painful, that he let out a yelp.
Suddenly, the squeezing stopped and his arm was released. He felt quite dizzy by now, and hoped they would stop torturing him like this and let him stay in peace.
Then came a blinding flash of light. Soon it was extinguished. But he was seeing circles inside his eyes....
"Well... his functions are normal....", said the same male voice.
He didn't want to open his eyes. He was still seeing bright circles inside his eyes... he wished it would stop.... Eventually, they did and, he thought to open his eyes.
"Hello..", said the soft-spoken man.
He just blinked, taking in the surroundings... and feeling his limbs... he tried to move his toes... they wiggled. He tried to swallow. His mouth felt parched. He could tell he was inside a brightly-lit, white-washed room, on a bed.. there were also two other people, wearing blue. He looked down at himself. And... realised that he too, was wearing something blue... what is this..?
He looked up at the strangers, who were both looking at him, as if waiting for him to say something. He didn't know what to say... so he kept quiet.
After a few minutes, he looked up at them again, expectantly. He wanted to demand them and ask them what was happening... but words didn't come out.
Silence dragged on.., until the middle-aged man spoke again.
"Hello, young John...," the man smiled softly, "we were wondering if you could tell us something about yourself...." he looked at him, eyes twinkling, as if expecting him to make a speech about himelf.
He didn't know what to say; and just.. looked on at the man, and then he turned to look at the woman. She was looking at him with so much pity and kindness in her eyes, it was almost as if she was trying hard not to cry...
She reached out a hand and stroked his cheek, biting her lip. A tear escaped and slowly went down her face. He watched, as a piercing pain shot through his heart. He could feel her pain... he could feel his own eyes becoming wet....
"You poor thing....", she whispered.
He let out a soft sigh and tried to contort his face into a smile.., as if to assure them that, it was okay... but failed.
He just shook his head and looked on...... after all, how can he say something that he does not remember?

It's been months since I've been here... and.. wow.. let's jusy say that, during the course of all this time, life felt as if caught on a loop.
Now it is much better, and hopefully will /stay/ that way for the future...
Will be around a little more often than before......
It's a promise. 🤘🤗❤

Hallelujah - piano cover version

so i played this song by Leonard Cohen. oh well, i /tried/ to play it. it's not perfect. but i enjoyed playing it. keeping your fingers in control while a train of sad, forgotten memories flashed through your mind, felt quite an achievement at the end....

here's the link to the video.  www.youtube.com/watch

hope you'll have a nice day. <3

Christmas cards.....

okay.

so,

it's Christmas...

and

i've made cards....

but they're already gone.

i mean, they've been posted.

i wanted to show them to you....

so i took some photos.

just in case you'd like to see them. :)

i've lost my inspiration. can you help me?

...? okay. first of all, i'm not being 'extra'. this is just my honest feeling. i love music. or at least i did, until quite recently. i was doing good with piano music. my grades were always distinction or merit. never below. but for about two years, i suffered from a bad break-up (well, the guy didn't /actually/ know i was head-over-heels for him. but i was. and then he started going out with a woman senior to him. it broke me apart. i was younger than him. but i know, it was his personal preference. i gave up the chemistry degree i was doing and came back home. all that time, i was studying music in the background. (sigh) okay. i didn't like chemistry. but went to the institute anyway. then i saw that guy and felt inspired to keep doing what i love. even there, i was the pianist and played for all the annual concerts with the orchestra.) anyway, after the downward spiral, i went back to my old coach and started training for the final piano examination. i also started working part-time, as an assistant to my coach. but when i finally did my last exam, i was barely able to pass. now i feel like i've lost my inspiration to carry on treading the rest of the path... i know, this sounds whiny and...extra? but really, is there anyone who can help me? i'm not and was not honestly involved in a relationship with anyone. i've never really had the time, or the need for a long-lasting partnership. so naturally, the only people who are close to me are my parents, my angsty sister, several close relations and family friends. my life seems a mess compared to others my age. i've never enjoyed facebook (i was there for a couple of years, while doing the degree). this blog is a good friend. and twitter is more useful, cause there i can write stuff and enjoy 'roleplay' (lol, i like being myself, through different characters). but now, i wonder if there's something i need to change about my life. my coach is not the most helpful person in the world. they simply make me feel insignificant and useless. especially during working hours. but i don't mind. recently though, i've thought to find a different teacher to do my diploma in music. but that's where i feel quite lost. what if i fail to surprise the audience? is there anyone who can give me a word of encouragement?........

~yours sincerely.

Mysterious...

It seems you are versatile....,

You know exactly how to adapt yourself to different situations.

You are impossible to pigeonhole: an enigma for those around you.

That excitement is really attractive!

They don't know what to expect.

You are an interesting mix between emotional depth and shallow amusement.

Every moment is a new adventure!





well, that seems accurate 😉

In That Moment - part ii

Hey, this is the second part of the soliloquy i was writing wa-a-y back. lol I was away from blogger for a /very/ long time. sorry about that.... 

(continued from "In That Moment - part i")

~He turned around, ready to run away. With a fluid movement, John’s form rushed forward and snapped the door shut. “No, Sherlock, you’re not going to run away; not this time!” cried John, his voice fierce, as if he was in the battlefield. It was not a request; it was an order. Sherlock froze, he had never heard John shout like this. He felt like a horse, a thoroughbred who has escaped and gone wild; he also felt that John was thinking /exactly/ along the same line. “Don’t be afraid, I’m not going to hurt you. I am weapon-less; my revolver is right there on the table,” he said. His voice was so gentle that, Sherlock wondered whether this was the same man who just screamed at him. He blinked several times and then decided to look at John’s blue-blue eyes but then looked away again instantly. He decided to stare at John’s knees instead. He was now walking slowly towards Sherlock. He came forward until they were only about a foot apart. Sherlock kept quiet, wondering what John was going to do next.

He heard John sigh. A rough hand caught his own and held it between its fingers; a thumb was slowly caressing his palm. His pulse rose. He wanted to wrench his hand and run away, somewhere far-far away where nobody can ever find him. “Shh…” he heard a voice, /John’s voice/, somewhere very close to his chest. He took a step back, or at least half of himself did, while the other half stood rooted to the spot. The end result was a comical half-step that nearly unbalanced him, had it not been for a second arm that caught him behind his sleeve. “It’s over now, Sherlock. Your time for running away, is over. We’re going to settle everything. Just stop trying to run away; you’re never going to run away, nobody is /ever/ able to run away from their heart. Your heart belongs to you. It’ll never leave you. So don’t exhaust yourself; please stop,” his voice was soothing, a gentle plead. The wild horse yielded; it allowed the human to touch him, to try and calm him; he was still /very/ flustered, yet he thought to give one chance.

At last, the world came to a halt. People were allowed to breathe, children were allowed to laugh and play, trees swayed in a soft breeze, the sun shone lazily across a cloud-studded, crystal-blue sky; all was well. Inside 221B, Baker Street, Sherlock Holmes allowed John Watson to lead him on to the sofa, where they would sit down and talk, for all eternity, if that is what it takes. Oh love, how gentle art thou…?

John settled Sherlock among the cushions and sat down. Sherlock was /not/ going to settle down that easily. He sprang up and sat rigid as a board, his scrutinizing gaze now directed completely at John, whose eyes twinkled at the sudden change in his protégée. He chuckled. He didn’t say anything, yet he continued to observe this beautiful, rare, and /extremely/ elusive creature that he has been able to coax and finally tether into a calm posture. He himself must be having some special power; for what normal person would /ever/ manage this feat without harming such an innocent being as Sherlock? There aren’t many people out there who could manage to perform the miracle John Watson just demonstrated. His heart jumped to his throat as the whole weight of what he just accomplished hit him. “Nobody on earth has never done what I did just now…! Nobody was able to bring this man to where he is right now..! God, I am speechless; truly, I am /speechless/..!” declared his mind; his heart, on the other hand, was wondering what to do next. And then, in an instant, without much ado, he kissed Sherlock, gently on the forehead. Oh love, how wondrous art thou…?